The Camping Trip - Episode 4

Mark

Amber piped up in two seconds flat, “Oh, how fun! We’d love to go out on the water!” As she turned her big brown eyes toward me, I melted.

But, hot darn, girl. Last night I couldn’t even set up a tent. Nor could I light a fire. And then there was me sitting like a schoolboy, unable to make any kind of gesture in response to her clinging to my hand all night. Yet somehow, I was now supposed to get a canoe and take her on a romantic row around this lake. A body of water which was so big, I couldn’t see the other side clearly with my naked eye. However, as I puffed out my chest, I wasn’t going to admit another ‘I’m not as much of a man as this guy’ defeat. Not with this male specimen showing up every other minute to show my lady what a ‘real’ man was. Okay, fine, I’m sure it was in his job description somewhere that he had to be an expert in everything outdoors.

“Lead the way to the canoes, good sir.” I said as I started to stand up. Unfortunately for me, my feet got caught in the bars connecting the seat to the table and I landed flat on face.

“Ah, the mosquitos did manage to get you last night. You might want to put some alcohol on those bites.” He said, staring down at my now exposed back and my legs below the end of my shorts. “Must itch like crazy to have so many.” He rubbed his chin with his fingers before tapping his nose a few times.

As quick as I could, I sat up and pulled my shirt down. I was tempted to ask if I should use tequila or whisky on the bites. In the end, I figured it didn’t matter – I’d never bought alcohol before and wasn’t about to start just to bathe in it. “Sure.” Dragging myself up to a standing position, I was well aware there was no point in trying to one up this man. “Now about the canoe…”

He placed a meaty paw on my shoulder and started to haul me down to the lake. Oh, it was going to be a winner of a day. What I wouldn’t give to be back in my little cubicle. Fixing the security issues of the world. No window, no fresh air, no bugs of the living kind. But, nope, we didn’t survive the shutdown more than a few months. With so many other businesses closing, our company had nothing to protect.

Which lead me here, to this moment, being handed a paddle, life vest and a few pointers as how not to tip the boat. And a whole lot of flashbacks to the one summer at the Y when my mom signed me up for swim lessons. The indoor pool in the basement of the building a few blocks from our apartment building. The place smelling of bleach, mold and goodness only knows what else. The water was freezing cold, the instructor was older than my grandmother and smelled like Ben-Gay and I got sick in the pool. Which, of course, forced everyone to get out of the water so the whole place could be cleaned. And I never went again. Yep, one lesson which lasted about a minute.

Looking up towards the camping area, I was thankful Amber still hadn’t wandered down here yet. Glancing out on the lake, I spotted one lone guy in a canoe much smaller than the one I was supposed to be getting into. He appeared calm and relaxed, floating along like a duck. His paddle doing a lazy dance in and out of the the water. 

Biting my lip, I knelt on the dock. Then I slid like a sloth into the waiting canoe while gripping one of the wood planks of the dock. The boat whacked the dock with a thunk when I released my death grip. Wiggling my butt on the hard metal bench, I grasped the paddle so hard I was sure it would snap in two. Sucking in my breath, I thought to myself ‘Well, this isn’t so bad.’ As I let out a sigh, the canoe launched with a jerk. The thing wobbled more than a Weeble Wobble ever did, then I was over the side. Lucky for me, I was still in the shallow end. Standing up, a hand pulled me to shore.

“What’d I say about staying centered? You nestled in on the right side of the canoe. Use the whole bench, son!” The park ranger whacked my back with such force I was sure I was going to go flying into the lake again.

“Yes sir.” I replied as I shook off like a wet dog.

Figuring this was like the whole, ‘get right back on the horse’ thing, I waddled over to the dock. My shoes squishing with the effort. Watching as the ranger used a pole to catch the rope trailing behind the canoe, I was wishing he wouldn’t be able to haul it back to the dock. Shucks, there it was at my feet again. Without a word, I repeated my earlier attempt at getting into the canoe. This time making sure I was dead center on the darn bench.

He didn’t send me rocketing out into the water the second time, only a little nudge. I was off, a gentle glide. And, oh so glad, my wife hadn’t seen the spectacle of my getting dunked. At least I hadn’t upchucked this time when I’d gotten wet.

But now I was having bigger issues. Paddling didn’t seem to work. I wasn’t moving more than an inch each time I dipped the stupid stick in the water.

“Put your back into it,” The ranger yelled from the safety of the shore. “Go around the corner, there’s another dock by your campsite. I’ll tell your girl to meet you there!”

Like I knew what he meant about ‘put your back into it’. Fine, I leaned forward as I put the paddle in and got not much in return. Well, I was getting splashed a lot. What little of me that wasn’t wet from my earlier fall now was. I think it took an hour to go a few hundred feet to where Amber was waiting by the shore. She was waving and jumping up and down like a child who was about to open a Christmas present.

“You’re wet.” She cried as I drew near. “Forget it. I don’t know how to swim!” She yelled as she fled back towards the campground.

Well so much for that. However, I knew she was right. I hadn’t a clue how we were going to get her into the canoe. Or how I was supposed to get the thing against the dock for that matter. Thus, I just wandered. Paddled until I was exhausted and ended up drifting after that.

Must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because the bump of the canoe hitting the muddy shore jolted me out of nowhere. It was then I realized I was lost. Okay, that sounds rather dumb. I was still on the lake. Yet, I didn’t have a clue where. From my vantage point, not a soul was around. All I could here was the chirping of some birds and my stomach growling.

Without warning, the bushes started to rustle and sway. Something was there. Trying to push myself off the bank with the paddle, I grimaced. Trapped. The stupid canoe was stuck hard and fast in the mire. A form started to come towards me...

What comes out of the bushes?

A. A random hiker

B. Mark's wife Amber

C. A bear (or any other animal you may suggest!)